MKE week 1 – Overcome by fear

I am paralyzed by fear, fear of what I am not fully aware. I make small bursts of movement. I can get excited for a while and appear to have continuous momentum, real progress, but it doesn’t last. The old habits, the avoidance, the self isolation, the distractions all come back in to play. I feel a pull, a yearning for something greater. I choose not a life of quiet desperation. I refuse to live a life of mediocrity. Yet I do.

How do I push past or break away from what is holding me back? It pulls at me like a magnet. I can dig in and move forward, but only for a while until the pull becomes to great or I grow to weary. Then the self-doubt, self loathing, and self-pity invade my thoughts and rob me of my joy. Fear, that is the primary emotion I can isolate. What if it’s not real? What if it’s just not meant to be, for me? What if I fail? What if people don’t approve, I’m wrong, it’s not possible? The worst one, what if I succeed?

The fear of success seems so wrong and contrary to better judgment. That opens up a whole new set of fears. Then there are expectations of me, and what if I can’t meet those expectations? What if I’m not the leader they need me to be? If I fail then I am not just failing myself. It’s okay to fail myself, but I can’t fail other people. Oh, here is that self loathing again. This isn’t at all what my first blog post was supposed to be about. I had a marvelous idea three days ago. It was cute, fun and a little vulnerable. Just vulnerable enough to say I was. This, this is raw. This hurts, it’s the stuff I didn’t wan to look at. The stuff I didn’t want to see.

I am the one who is holding myself back, because I would rather settle for the comfort and security of mediocrity then to take the risk and realize my dreams. I am addicted to my negative emotions. The madness ends now. I fully commit to this process of self discovery and self awakening. I will no longer be a slave to fear.

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4 thoughts on “MKE week 1 – Overcome by fear

  1. I appreciate your honesty.
    Hang in there. We are all going through different challenges, but I believe if we do the exercises one at a time, we can build the foundation, and confidence to keep going, It will take determination to retrain and impose new habits to the “subby”
    Best of the best for you

    Like

      1. Manuel would you give me our blog site so I can follow you 🙂

        Like

  2. Naz #Master Key Experience October 25, 2018 — 10:52 am

    Oh my goodness Manuel. Reading your blog made me weep as I feel like your words are a mirror image of how I’ve been feeling & acting. Thank you for your pure honesty & emotion.
    We’ll get through this journey together.
    Hugs&Harmony
    Naz xo🙏❤️🤙🔑👩‍🚒🚒👑

    Like

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