I am paralyzed by fear, fear of what I am not fully aware. I make small bursts of movement. I can get excited for a while and appear to have continuous momentum, real progress, but it doesn’t last. The old habits, the avoidance, the self isolation, the distractions all come back in to play. I feel a pull, a yearning for something greater. I choose not a life of quiet desperation. I refuse to live a life of mediocrity. Yet I do.
How do I push past or break away from what is holding me back? It pulls at me like a magnet. I can dig in and move forward, but only for a while until the pull becomes to great or I grow to weary. Then the self-doubt, self loathing, and self-pity invade my thoughts and rob me of my joy. Fear, that is the primary emotion I can isolate. What if it’s not real? What if it’s just not meant to be, for me? What if I fail? What if people don’t approve, I’m wrong, it’s not possible? The worst one, what if I succeed?
The fear of success seems so wrong and contrary to better judgment. That opens up a whole new set of fears. Then there are expectations of me, and what if I can’t meet those expectations? What if I’m not the leader they need me to be? If I fail then I am not just failing myself. It’s okay to fail myself, but I can’t fail other people. Oh, here is that self loathing again. This isn’t at all what my first blog post was supposed to be about. I had a marvelous idea three days ago. It was cute, fun and a little vulnerable. Just vulnerable enough to say I was. This, this is raw. This hurts, it’s the stuff I didn’t wan to look at. The stuff I didn’t want to see.
I am the one who is holding myself back, because I would rather settle for the comfort and security of mediocrity then to take the risk and realize my dreams. I am addicted to my negative emotions. The madness ends now. I fully commit to this process of self discovery and self awakening. I will no longer be a slave to fear.